A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."
So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."
The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."
November 14, 2009
November 13, 2009
Super Mario is so AWESOME
The time it took these guys to put this together is astounding. I'm so glad they did, if only for my arms-up "OOOOHHHH" response :)
Super Mario is also HORRIFYING!
I had no idea Super Mario was so dangerous, my god it's terrifying! Dinosaurs running around everywhere, Ninja Turtles, GIANT BULLETS, what were thinking as kids just nonchalantly beating this game!?
November 12, 2009
Real-Life Spiderman
This is hard to believe, but I don't see any ropes/gear in the footage - nor do I see anyone above. This guy is a genuine badass. God I love the Internet!
We've all felt it... fuckin' Thursdays!
Daylight. Savings. Time. DARK WHEN I LEAVE WORK!? You have to be kidding me, like I want to feel any more like a mole than I already do. For the love of god, give me laughter or give me death!
Good dog.
Now fetch me a video worthy of my smile!
Monetary Profanity
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin’ problem, dammit!" the man says; "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?
To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin’ problem, dammit!" the man says; "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?
I've been spelling it wrong this whole time!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Not one of my genie wishes but...
Really wish this one had made it. We lost a jewel of creativity that day. At least he's become an internet meme the likes of which will be commemorated for years to come.
Deer vs Lawn Ornament - IT'S GO TIME!
This could only happen in Wisconsin. A mount-worthy deer charged a 640 lb concrete lawn ornament and died shortly thereafter. The victor is unknown as the deer limped off, having successfully knocked over his true rival - breaking the concrete's antlers. Clearly with lawn ornamentation this perfected...
And yes, someone is making use of the deer and it will be a story to tell all his dinner guests for the winter to come. Mark Brye (owner of the concrete behemoth) just couldn't part with either and intends to glue the antlers from the real deer on his concrete elk. Only in America folks.
Twas beauty killed the beast.
And yes, someone is making use of the deer and it will be a story to tell all his dinner guests for the winter to come. Mark Brye (owner of the concrete behemoth) just couldn't part with either and intends to glue the antlers from the real deer on his concrete elk. Only in America folks.
Elmo gets Interviewed
Add Ricky Gervais to the set of 'Sesame Street' and you come up with outrageous comedy. Check out outtakes from his interview with Muppet Elmo. The full episode airs this November when 'Street' opens with its 40th anniversary.
40 years, my god. If any show deserves 40 years of constant success, it's Sesame Street.
40 years, my god. If any show deserves 40 years of constant success, it's Sesame Street.
November 10, 2009
Be Careful What You Bet On!
During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...
... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
The World is Just Awesome
There are so many media-networks out there proving to us day-in and day-out that the world, creativity, and positive idealism thrives on this planet. Not all of us may not have it all together but, in the end, our collective world is just plain awesome. Thank you Discovery Channel for teaching thousands everyday.
November 9, 2009
Super-Mega-Ultra-Bitch Soccer Player
When I see soccer players getting knocked down, it always seems like they're playing up the drama. Lemme tell you... this Elizabeth Lambert from University of New Mexico has a flair for the dramatic unlike anything I've seen in soccer since Zidane's meme'd out headbutt!
But don't let me tell you about it, check out the GIFs or the MSNBC link embedded below.
But don't let me tell you about it, check out the GIFs or the MSNBC link embedded below.
NSFW... or your soul
There are reasons to always ask for a second photo from those on-line dates!
Dear sweet mother of god. McDonald's, he's been loving it for years. Poor bastard, at least they sell those support tank-tops now!
So THAT's Where the Socks Went
We've all thought it, the socks of the world are being stolen by Carl from ATHF. Well I hate to break it to you, it was Carl's cousin. I'll give you two guesses what he needs all those socks for (ew).
No you don't. He does.
No you don't. He does.
There's a Fault in Reality
November 8, 2009
My Monitor Used to be So Dirty
Tired of cleaning your monitor. Are those pesky kids poking your screen? Did you miss your "lucky sock" again? Well never fear, there's a Monitor Cleaner for you and it works for kibbles.
Credit Genius When Due
Genius flourishes in photography, dance, or even the subtle nuances of kicking someone to the curb. But few pull of true genius better than Ricardo Autobahn's "Golden Age of Video". If someone knows wtf is going on with their arms at the beginning of this video I'd love to know!
Some Pranks Were Never Meant to Belong
This video hits it home, seeing that Chad and I share the same phobia. I swear to god, if one of you pull this on me... I have swords 3ft from my bed.
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